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Welcome 2023

Well, well, well....

Here we

are again. I know its been a minute. Life has been wild.

I tend to disappear when I go through change. I know its not always realistic to only put out highlights of life but I also don't feel like its necessary to post the negative and personal moments either. Its a fine line, but I don't want to come across as disingenuous either.

2022 was a rough one for me. There were so many moments that were incredibly defining and I know I should look back at how much I have grown. I do look back with appreciation, however I cannot ignore the absolute darkness that hung over me this year. I don't know if its because I truly had to face adulthood and grow up, or learning that not everyone who says they love you knows how to take care of you. Or perhaps it was learning that when you grow up, its no one else's responsibility to care of you. That job is assigned to you only. Instead of filming tiktoks in front of your Glee posters. you're now waking up at 4:30 in the morning to get to work on time. Instead of meeting new friends on your day off you're spending 3 hours doing your laundry at the laundromat across the street. Instead of going out on New Years with your friends, you stay home with your cats so you can wake up early to go to the gym.

I've learned that being selfish isn't a bad thing. I lost myself in a person and I dealt with the consequences.

I've always kind of been a lone wolf. I focused on myself, my career, and my goals for so long that I didn't know how I would react when another person was in the picture. You see, when I am invested in something, I give it my all. I think that's pretty apparent. I am passionate and I love hard. It takes a lot of my energy. Needless to say, I lost myself there for a bit.

I spent so much of this year trying to go back to the person I was before I lost myself in another person. I looked at old videos of me and longed to be that happy, fun, optimistic person again. All the parts of me that person told me that was unrealistic and wrong is what I so desperately wanted back. I prayed that I could go back to the best summer of my life in NYC w/ Vanesa, Kennedy, and Forrest. Those days were filled with so much joy, hopefulness, love and friendship. I remember feeling so loved and accepted for exactly who I was. I just wanted to be that person again. I would try to wear the same clothes, watch the same shows, eat the same foods, but nothing worked. I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I would never be that girl again. Despite still holding on to the same values, I'm someone new. It's silly to try to go back to the 22 year old version of myself. I have grown so much. I have learned how to stand up for myself. I learned how to establish boundaries and enforce them. I have learned what I will not tolerate in a relationship. I learned what I want out of life. I know how to trust myself. I now know how to take care of myself whether that's physically, emotionally, etc.

I am writing this at midnight on New Years Eve, alone, in my apartment. It's very bittersweet. Im very happy to be in my own presence, in my safe place. However, it was a bit sad to hear the cheers and celebrations out side my window as the clock struck 12. While I wish circumstances were different, I just know I'm not in the space to go out tonight.

I'm spending my evening feeling grateful for all of the good things I do have in my life. I'm grateful for landing a job at Ellen's Stardust Diner. I know 2020 Alexis would be freaking out. I'm grateful I can see my family as often as I do, considering that I live so far away. I'm grateful for Vanesa because I would not be able to make it in this city without her and probably would have moved back home at this point. I am grateful for Kennedy's never ending support and always making me laugh. I am grateful for Forrest for always making me feel confident and bringing me back down to earth. I am grateful for Baily for knowing me so well and making me feel seen and valid. I'm grateful for my cats for giving me companionship. I'm grateful for my mom for never letting me go without and continousouly spoiling me. I am grateful for my dad who is my number oe cheerleader and shows sets a great example of how a man should treat a woman. There is so much I am grateful for.

As I go in to the New Year, I feel incredibly hopeful, optimistic, and excited. I do feel like my old self again in some aspect. I've always been a dreamer, planner, and do-er, it's hard when I was surrounded by quite the opposite. I have so many exciting trips planned and projects lined up. I also plan to pour into the people that have always been by my side more.

All that to say, if you didn't feel like 2022 was your best year ever either, you're not alone. I just know 2023 will be a better year for us and I am here with you every step of the way!

Welp. It's getting late and I plan to be up early in the morning to hit the gym and start crushing my resolutions. I just know 2023 is going to be the best year of my life. Typically when I say something is going to happen, it comes true.

Happy New Years guys! I hope you have the best year ever too!

Chat soon!


Some of my fave 2022 Moments

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